One way....


"When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we see
No, I won't be afraid
Oh, I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand
Stand by me,
so* Darling darling stand by me
Oh, stand by me
Oh stand, stand by me, stand by me

If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
Or the mountain
Should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry
No, I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand
Stand by me, and
Whenever you're in trouble
Won't you stand by me, oh stand by me...

I remember living in a total nightmare during 7 years of my life...7 long years that made me change so deeply that when I look back at the person that I was, I can't even understand how I was able to deal with all the cruel things that were inflicted to my sister and my close family. I was Miss Syrup, the kind of person that believed in fairytales and that love always prevails over evil...I lost track of how many people tried to harm us, discourage us, betray us...when I believed that my world was perfect and family and friends would see us through, I discovered that when your life is not perfect anymore, most people disappear, even people from your family...specially if your problem takes too long to solve...everyone gets used to it and stops caring or thinks we are making a big fuss over nothing...

During that time, I had some very low, low moments when I was so angry at God and believed Him to be so unfair I wouldn't even open my heart to Him. And all the while I believed, I believed that some miracle would happen and I wouldn't feel so alone, so lost, so weak every single day anymore. Was this blind faith? Maybe... but that was what got me going. That blind faith and learning how to channel my anger towards making people see I would do it without their help, no matter what. So, during that time, I had to learn how to evolve from being daddy's girl to a Big Sister that knew how to make every thing right. The pressure on me was enormous and I had so many nights when I cried and cried myself to sleep because I was so afraid I wouldn't be capable to keep my sister and my nephew safe...All that time, I had to forget about how afraid of life I was because I had to fight these huge dragons for them...And I ended up discovering that taking a stand and fighting gives you courage, no matter how afraid you are, how small you feel...

The song I started my blog with, even if very old, was "discovered" by me and my sister Sonia the first time we were in America, in 88, I was 15 and she was 13. And we knew then that we would stand by each other forever. I do believe that deep down in our hearts we have some knowledge of the ordeals that await us. And I know no matter what, my sister Sonia will stand by me as I stood by her because that's the way it's supposed to be. So, if I had to do it all over again or for an even longer period of time, I would, no questions about it.

All the while, to make things a bit more challenging, I had this amazing abbility to fall in love with the absolutely wrong people. I was attracted to them like a moth to the light. And even though they knew I couldn't take anymore sufering, anymore hurt in my life, they took all the love I gave them because I made them feel better. They felt they were better persons for I only saw the beauty inside. Not their insecurities, not their frustrations, their selfishness...I only saw the amazing people they could be if they were not afraid to follow their hearts.
It is quite amazing how I could attract the same kind of people into my heart over and over again. But there is a reason for it though...When we are not aware of our own value,of what we are worth, we end up attracting people that thrive on other people's admiration, other people's affection.
I remember being very self-conscious of my looks since an early age. How could I not be, when my family is full of beautiful women and I ended up comparing myself with my sisters who were so popular and always knew what to say...And because I was a bit clumsy, a bit odd, I never felt I was pretty enough, that guys would only look at me after they were tired of admiring my sisters or so....All this, added to pure shyness made me very insecure, very uneasy with guys. So, when these "wrong" persons approached me, I felt quite blessed by life , for I was so undeserving of their attention...yes, quite pathetic...but it was the way I was back then, when I was in my twenties...
The good thing of getting older is learning from our experiences, from our mistakes...I like when life makes me open up my eyes and realize I have been oh so wrong about something. And one of the things I learned was that looks aren't everything. Because there are a lot of beautiful people with such ugly insides I cannot even see beauty when I look at them. And I am more receptive to beautiful souls than to beautiful faces right now..

Wow, such a long blog. I can't even recall why I started writing it. It had something to do with realizing how many people are tainted by life, by relationships. Because most people I knew suffered at one point in their lives or are still suffering from loving the wrong persons for them. Why are we so blind when we fall in love? Why don't we listen to that little voice in our heart saying something is not quite well? Because we are so involved in having that person in our life that we don't care about the price we must pay. But it should not be like that. Love should be only about loving and being loved in return...that's the whole point in love. Not loving only in 1-way mode...



4 Comments - 4 Kudos -

Julie
Such an amazing, heart-felt blog. It made me think. It inspired me. None of us are alone in this world, even though we think or feel that we are. This blog should be turned into an article in a magazine. Great writing.
Posted by Julie on Sunday, January 22, 2006 at 3:20 PM

Claudia
Thank you. I am trying to be worthy of more compliments from you...
Posted by Claudia on Monday, April 03, 2006 at 6:54 PM

Linda
I love you.
I love you for all the different things you are: the sweet, the strong, the funny, the unsecure, the shy, the lovely, the princess, the mafiagirl, the ironic,the smart,all the special things that make you so special...I think your soul will bring you exactly where you have to go, and one day you will find your special person, and you'll love him and be loved in return just like you deserve. It's not a question of naivety, I really feel it in my heart, because being realistic doesn't mean being discouraged. You're more beautiful than what you think, inside and outside, just let yourself see this reality.
I love you, my friend, and I'm so happy you're in my life. THANK YOU!!!

Posted by Linda on Tuesday, January 24, 2006 at 2:38 PM

Claudia
You know I love you. More than I could ever say or try to express in words...
Posted by Claudia on Monday, April 03, 2006 at 6:55 PM